OK, so we're a day late, but I spent most of the
weekend in bed, OK. Some people choose to go off sick and curl up in front
of the TV the minute they get a sniffle, I prefer to try and work an illness out
of me unless I physically can't move myself. It's
probably a wildly stupid plan that will one day see me pass out on the
job, but that's me I guess. So in between work shifts
I've been mainly confined to crawling around feeling sorry for myself
instead of working on my side projects. Mix in a near disaster last
night where I thought I'd lost all the work I had done
and here we are 24 hours later, fit, healthy and no longer dog
tired.
The Choice Of A New
Generation
So this week I learned that close friends from my
school days are now expecting their first child. This has prompted a weird
unquantifiable feeling in me, which makes me dread the magnitude of how I'm going to
feel the day the love of my life turns round and tells me that a mini Wood
is on the way. On the other hand, I won a bet placed at the couple's wedding over
this, so some people now owe me plenty of money I can invest in buying them gifts
for their upcoming familial addition. It's also made me realise that the next generation
of movie-goers is now well and truly on the way. That one day it's going
to be the kids of me and my friends that are going to be the
ones marketed to and given a whole different kind of movie to the ones myself and
the majority of the good people at CB grew up with. Two things worry me.
Just looking at the trailers this week alone, what kinda crap are Hollywood going
to be touting to my kids by then. And, will my kids like ET? They're going to
be growing up with movies being made in a most likely Spielberg free zone at
that time. Will they mock their old man and his love for that stupid old movie
shot on stupid film instead of DV about a boy and a stupid rubber alien? Who knows,
but with the new generation on the horizon, I can only hope for more Pixar
and less Disney
in our lives. It's a start.
Email me
with gift
ideas for expectant mothers
Coming soon to a theatre near you...
A Scanner Darkly
Released: 16th September 2005
Whoa. It's Ted dude, but he's
like, all a cartoon and shit. Most non-heinous! Quite what Richard Linklater
smoked back in his youth is anyone's guess, though Dazed and
Confused might give a few hints. It might
also explain the bizarre decision he made regarding his adaptation of the Philip
K. Dick novel. The movie you see, has been filmed entirely in live-action, on
sets etc, only in post-production they've gone all Bakashi on your ass and
turned every live action cell into an animation cell instead, turning the live
action movie into an anime wannabe. It looks weird in the trailer, not sure
how it will pan out in a full feature, though all the hardcore nuts are
insisting it's the only way to translate the schizophrenic muddled drugged out
world of the book. To me it smells a little of the Sky Captain of
2005. Nice idea + neat gimmick =
disappointing result. I'm
sure anime nuts will lap
it up though. The rest of us
will probably approach it with some measured caution.
Click
here to get a cool cel-shaded wardrobe...
House of Wax
Released: 6th May 2005
It seems that
the crappy remake feature has replaced my naughty trailer feature, which means for someone who
hates 99% of remakes with justifiable good reason and loves smut equally with good reason, this column is becoming like toe-nail extraction therapy. House Of Wax is a remake of a
1950s horror flick with the big daddy of horror movies Vincent Price.
What it did have was an interesting premise - a mad sculptor
starts using real humans covered in wax to rebuild his damaged museum.
What it didn't do was use the "people covered in wax" angle simply to put a
different spin on the worst of worst "Hooded killer with big knives
stalks retarded teenagers" plot device. Which is what this is. The best
thing about this movie? Elisha Cuthbert running in a
small white top. A lot. The worst thing? Paris "Cheap Skankwhore" Hilton
who can't even deliver her single four word line in the trailer convincingly.
Click here to
imagine someone WOULD really kill Paris Hilton with molten wax...
Stealth
Released: 29th July 2005
Rob Cohen has
never been the worlds most respectable director. He makes OTT trash, even when
making a bio-pic of one the martial arts' greatest legends, but it's
occasionally enjoyable trash, even in the case of the bio-pic of one the
martial arts' greatest legends. This... well this is something else. Let me
take you on a magical journey and imagine if you will a vision.
Take Top Gun, but now Maverick is black, Goose is a
woman, and they all fly cool CGI stealth fighters. Now imagine the time
comes when they get replaced by the Navy's newst creation - Max from
Flight of the Navigator. Now indulge me if you will, that
this Max gets fried by lightning and morphs into WOPR from
WarGames,
decides to go on a
rampage and try and start a nuclear war.
It's up to said Power Rangers: Top Gun to stop it before it completes it's deadly objective. I wish I was joking. Go watch for yourself and see that I'm not. I demand Jamie Foxx be striken from Sunday's nominee lists.
Click here to watch all the silliness unfold...
The Cave
Released: 19th August 2005
Just like in
my reviewing career, so it seems here I am doomed to a life of covering
mainly crappy horror. Yes folks, it's more PG-13 rated fun starring nobody
particularly famous but a few faces you'll recognise but not remember where
from. Maybe I'm just becoming old and cynical but this tale of a group of
cave explorers who discover that in the worlds largest cave system exists a
bunch of nobbly CGI bats and fish who want to eat them just
ain't cutting it. Is it the continued annoying insincerity of the actors?
Is it the generic CGI beasties? Is it me just being an old fart who should
lighten up and
go with the ride for
once? Hey, I thought the Fantastic Four trailer looked like it could be crappy but
a lot of fun, so I guess all hope isn't
lost.
Click here
to explore your fear of the dark...
Don't Move
Released: 27th May 2005
Todays cultural section of Trailer
Trash brings you some quality Spanish entertainment. Or at least the possibility
of reading a bunch of subtitled bollocks just to see Penelope Cruz naked.
Penelope Cruz naked in spanish movies is nothing new, she's been doing that
consistently since she was 17. Here she actually looks not much like herself at
all and has this weird blend of being occasionally skanky, occasionally
attractive and general creepy looking. As the trailer shows you
repeatedly though, the story of a man in a hospital
waiting room, recalling a passionate affair has garnered rave reviews
from people you've never heard of and numerous awards from bodies you don't care
about. Of course you don't. It hasn't received a CB award, so it can't be that
good, can it.
Click
here to watch boring Spanish drama...
The Passion of the Christ Recut
Released: 11th March
2005
This must rate as the most
pointless exercise in bible-basher-baiting, yet you gotta give it to Mel,
he knows his audience. Find an excuse to re-release The Passion in
theatres at Easter time and the devout following will come, lest the
Lord strike them down for not enduring it! No extra snippets of the man. No
extended scenes of characterization. Just another 10 minutes or so of extra
gore, which means alongside the humble God fearers will no doubt be a
bunch of gorefiends, looking to see what extra "visceral thrills" are on offer.
Do yourself a favor. Go rent Last Temptation
instead.
Click
here to save your eternal soul from damnation...
STOP
PRESS: War Of The Worlds
Released: 29th June
2005
Konichiwa. Sensei Wood brings you a bonus to the
delayed edition of Trailer Trash. Just hitting the internet this morning is
a look at the Japanese trailer for Spielberg's highly-anticipated and
slightly hated adaptation of Wells. To be fair I'm conning you, it's simply a
variation of the Superbowl spot, only with more angsty crowd-shots and a cool
Japanese voice-over. Warning though, it's in a horrible streaming Windows Media
format.
Click
here to say sayonara to the world...
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